I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Randomize
