I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
