if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
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