Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
dude. I can hear the air.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
