i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
There are leaves in my underwear?
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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