I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
