Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
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