I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
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