The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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