He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
