hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Randomize
