I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
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