he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Randomize
