Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
My liver just had a heart attack.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Randomize
