What tipped you off? The sombrero?
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
