Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
