Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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