So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
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