My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
