I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
