found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Randomize
