remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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