apparently the secret to your success is patron
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
