You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
