Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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