I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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