My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Randomize
