Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
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