Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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