I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
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she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
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pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
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