Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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