the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
