note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
