I've blown a few things in my day
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Randomize
