Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
