wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
