i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
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