He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
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