You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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