To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
