sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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