If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
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we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
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We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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