Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
