1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
