Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
Randomize
