we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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