hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
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