it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
