He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Randomize
