Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
