I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
