Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
