guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
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