No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
