Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Randomize
