Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Randomize
