Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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