You really coming over, don't trick.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
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Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
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Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
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