she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
